clone wars

Is there anything more life affirming than witnessing a couple , that look and dress exactly the same, have a very public break up. It is as if all of that quality quarantine couple time spent practicing practicing your lines in the bathroom mirror have come to fruition whilst your significant other is on the couch instagramming to their soon to be broken hearts content. How best to recall the requisitely rehearsed facial expressions under the guise of your recently purchased ‘vote’ mask.whilst keeping to the well rehearsed script? The practiced breaker upper is hoping for full dramatic effect in hopes of leaving nothing to chance. They hope that the break upee will embark upon a 5 borough drunk or an upstate microdosing wiccan ceremony at their friends recently renovated airstream. The breaker upper needs time at home to sort through the tangle of Lululemon gear strewn around the apartment. They need time to not hear begged forgiveness or insolent moping in ear buds. I mean , anything is better than another of mansplaining or manspreading or anymore wellness gobbledygook or ayahuasca assurances from the future ex other half. 8 months of being locked in under conditions and behaviors that would send military leaders to the Hague. Honestly, if you have to eat ‘grandmas Dorito casserole’ or cook M and M muffin top pancakes one more time, let alone another bruce willis movie or Real Estate album, you are going to go postal in the traditional sense. You thought that your party trick was that nurses uniform from your first date and putting it into play. How were you to know that the break upee would rather be intubated by the taller of the two nude Slavic cleaner’s considerable endowment. The breaker upper replays scenarios from early quarantine and pandemic summer and wonder if they are the problem. The yoga pods and socially distanced cupcake circles and bootleg celebrity tantric sex tapes, but fuck it. They can find nothing wrong with wanting to play words with friends on the toilet for hours, rather than playing active shooter video games. This is all for the better and greater good. The break upee is a serial monogamist with a trust fund the size of east texas. They will be fine in the end. They will find another twin to downward dog with and emotionally embalm. The breaker upper can take their talents to the south slope and new zoom fitness friends and a different degree of existential effluvia. Imagine the new bumble bots with prospect park as a neutral zone. When is the break upee going to return from wherever they/ve gone off the 24 hours rails? You need this apartment devoid of succulents and Pomeranians and indie rock paraphernalia pdq. You wish that they’d taken the Pomeranian on their peregrination and fed it to the coyotes or traded it for something useful like an airmattress. They better not come back with covid as a parting gift. we managed to make it this far and you dont want that pipe cleaner shoved up your nose. You need to decouple completely, and some new digs. It is a renters market afterall.