news flash

a civil war alert has been issued by facebook , twitter , and tik tok as an increase in online chatter and car loads of goobers seen gacked out and lead footing in piggly wiggly parking lots around flyoverville. It also seems as if police forces are staging a nationwide sick out , in anticipation of the unrest. Federal informants have been flooding tip lines after the goober riots in the nations capital this weekend. There are stories of bacchanalian all you can eat chick fil a and commercial grade laxative buffets and forced elephant walks in militiagan marsh lands and Appalachian strip[ malls. There have been an uptick in smash and grabs from national chain convenience stores and pharmacies in the theft of antihistimines, personal lubricant, and two liter soda bottles, according to one source. We asked ‘what/s with the kilts?”, to which our source replied ‘ it is easier to boof additional ordinance or the methamphetamine and dr pepper tampons that the boogalosers prefer as performance enhancers” . we are following this story and will update accordingly as the alternative facts dictate.