Sunday, January 31, 2021

time capsule january 31 2017

Can't help but think that taliban Conway and corpulent Steve are that wheezy couple ya meet at the less reputable strip clubs in the American outback who eventually get tossed trying to get anyone back to their double wide to do it with her whilst he watches.

Friday, January 29, 2021

time capsule jan 29 2017

Little Donny and corpulent Steve are playing a dangerous game of risk. Let's hope they're eating all the pizza, doing all the blow, sucking down copious amounts of pre restricted pina coladas, Whilst popping their diamond blues watching the first family's home movies and getting drunk with power and greed. No amount of money or influence is gonna stop the widowmaker, baby.

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

whine some more, junior

Ebay creeps and their ill mannered duplicitous discourse is where im at this morning. These eejits do not police their platform by any stretch of the imagination and it is left to the community to police itself. Pigs is pigs and the pigs reign supreme. I should’ve known better. 15 emails of whining after a rude and low ball offer with more half assed caveats than the treaty of Versailles. But unlike that treaty, these caveats only benefitted the ill temptered lying buyer , rather than the people of Versailles or my paypal account.. all of this hoopla and spite for the opportunity to make $5 and get covid from the creepy polish chemist and the OANN sountrack, not to mention some sad ass surburban scammer. I love these half assed americans and their false sense of entitlement. I wanna go to taco bell with my whiny buyer and watch him anglefor a free seven layer burrito and sneak a 3rd refill of mountain dew. I wanna rewind the tapes of last week and not sell. I wanna never ebay again .

Sunday, January 24, 2021

jan 24 2019

Wilbur Ross sounds more like a character that got arrested in his clown suit outside Covington boys catholic school for trying to buy extra licks off the old ice cream cone than someone that should have an opinion on anything, least of all peoples livelihoods. But then again , look at the times we live in. A teletubby with toilet paper on his shoes who doesn’t know how to close an umbrella and poops in a gold plated crapper with a monosyllabic mail order bride and a half dozen or so surgically enhanced cracker spawn surrounded by people that should’ve been held back since kindergarten . Wake me when it’s over.

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

january 19 2014

thank you albania for sending your spawn to fuck and fight in front of my house at 3am(every saturday). thank you to no one in particular for teaching them the glorious mantra 'lets .get .fuck. out . here', to be shouted repeatedly with post adolescent bravado at full volume from the back seat of a sardine packed toyota yaris. a special thank you to the stiletto heeled/crop topped siren squealing hysterically like a hooked mackerel.

ass bottle variance

ass bottle variance. The only way to get drunk these days. Alone and ambulatory- quick nips under the mask. Fuck this solo cup guilt purchase and piss cup fernet flavored jello shots. What loyalty do I have to this shit hole or that? Half of these beardo mixologists and pseudo dominatrix drunketeers don/t know the difference between bud light or a French white. . in an empty bar with an empty glass their empty heads can/t often figure out ‘same again’ . I feel for them but I don’t . when/s the last time some artisanal dipstick in a deer hunter(the band) t shirt buy anyone back or tip the bar back whilst hunkered over their phone and whining to their roommate and/or their bed mate about how no one comes in on their shift,as they turn the grizzly bear dross up to drive out the lone drinkers? Or how about the miserable afternoon mope in the joint with all of the tv’s that calls it self a sports bar that can/t find the champions league on the box with good directions, or the Guinness tap with a map. Pity poor ewe? Pity poor me, and he and she and them and the ass bottle variance. i/ll suck this ass bottle dry and throw it where I like, and not have to deal with any thing but al fresco relief. After all, no one speaks to the urinal anymore. It mightn’t be covid free. . not a single dead wood extra looking limp wristed lothario with a hipler hair cut and handlebar ronnie emptily opining on who crushed or killed or slayed that time they got in free to governors ball for being the most pathetic prick and the vice magazine sponsored pathetic prick pageant. . where are the professional drinkers and and the swill slingers that keep them in line? This ass bottle variant is not gonna drink itself, but its hard out here for a wimp. I need a cold beer and a warm stool.(get your head out of the toilet). I need the professionals on both sides of the bar in this war on my reality. I need broken junke boxes and neon beer boxes and the fruit flies and bar flies and brown liquor and white drugs or is it Tuesday and its white liquor and brown drugs. I need tough guys and tougher broads – all the shoulda coulda woulda and wanna gonna wishedas. I need mars.

stink eye

Ariel pink sounds like a minor medical condition from scratching your ass hole too often. And if you think about it, that’s really all that it is. That boob has been useless long before january 6, though I’m sure he’ll have his own mark Burnett produced television show by the end of the month. Stop making stupid people Famous. It’s that simple

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

pond scum

One asshole tried to put a bomb in his shoe and we’ve had to watch waddlers wrestle with their knock off uggs as we man holey socks and travel shoes for 18 years at the airport. But we do it. A lifetime worth of school shootings and work place mass casualty events and non existent gun laws and our kids and teachers have to go through them every day, as do we to any sporting event or cultural event and many work places. But we do it Armed insurrectionists storm the Capitol building looking to kill and take hostage and 6 days later magnetometers are placed to the shocking dismay of anti mask/ pro gun Republican “leaders” who refuse in droves and insult security citing communist ideals of the incoming administration and their constitutional rights. The same constitution that they repeatedly piss on and misinterpret. It’s pretty clear the audience that they are playing to, a crass commingling of box store boomers, ruling class carpet baggers, alt right whack jobs, Q anon cranks, scared pigment lacking crackers, gun toting goobers, beholden mercenaries, where the wind blows wankers, off duty cops, active military, and shit fed psychopaths. Basically half the country , or more.

the chicken's roost

let/s be honest. My head hurts. I can/t sleep. There/s so much scheisse in the ether right now for even the most dogged optimist to digest. I have been glued to my 3 social media platforms of choice since October and it/s gotten me nowhere on the road to wellness . to compound my misery, I have added online dating to my procrastination portfolio. Where did it all go wrong? Anyone with half a brain should acknowledge that we have been in the midst of a coup since election day, if not the previous 4 years at best. There is enough culpability currently floating around to man a south Dakota gulag with white collar slime for the next 50 years. The general state of sedition is as plain as the coke filled nose on junior/s smug bearded mug. But the quiet complicity, the perceived collusion that is, is certainly enough to drive the most ardent conspiracy theorists on the left down a rabbit hole of internet time drag and street corner haranguing til the end of time. We complain about transparency of government , but the republican party couldn’t make it any more clearer that they care about no one but themselves, and by themselves, I mean the scum at the surface of the pond. They don’t care about democracy or the will of the people, they are drunk on power and willing to kill their colleagues on both sides of the aisle to retain or foster power further. It/s one thing to burn a papier mache likeness to whatever ghoulish grebo is fashionable at a protest for clean water, lgbtq rights, blm march, etc, as a form of political theater, but to erect a gallows in front of the capitol and send a legion cosplaying goobers, off duty police, active military, sad sack boomers in full MAGAT regalia, ACADEMI professionals, and alt right wack jobs with plastic cuffes and spears is an altogether different form of ‘protest’. The fact that they breached a security line more equipped for a suburban Christmas parade in a dry town is cause to wonder in and of itself. It was pretty obvious from online chatter that it was game on , and the seeds of rebellion from even the most passive little piggy was further fueled by the future ex president , his cracker spawn, and his ever irrelevant minions were met by a Sunday afternoon at the Kiwanis club security presence is a question that needs to be asked in perpetuity, or until they bury their findings next to the ghosts of panama papers past. As a college freshman, I wrote a term paper alleging that the contras were being funded by the cocaine trade. It seemed pretty obvious to me at the time, as there was an awful lot of very pure shit about, and you weren’t buying it from slick assholes in white suits or standard drug dealer types. These were well dressed latino twenty somethings in slick los feliz apartments with undesrated but flash cars, or sketchy central americans in anonymous pads near macarthur park. I knew all about the smack that came back from Vietnam in body bags or diplomatic pouches that flooded the streets of Oakland, watts, mott haven, harlem and Detroit some years before. Keep em high and jail em forever, right? My Iranian bred professor told me that if I could cite legitimate sources for my claims, I could basically sign up for his classes for the next 4 years and get the best grades. The only catch being, that the source would likely be in central America, and as much as I didn’t give two fucks about much in those days, death by ak47 to the rectum was not on my to do list at the time. The risk v reward factor didn’t seem palpable at the time. 18 months later, cocaine/cash/contras were the only news. Conspiracy theory proved. And ya know , I believe in so much more- white water had as high of a hinky body count as the warren report. Who could believe that lee Harvey could hit for 6 from that distance on his own with a mail order rifle, nor could I believe that vince foster ate his chiefs special whilst out for a stroll in the park. Christ , the Tonkin gulf incident was a coupla dudes in a speed boat chasing the 7th fleet and just like that an entire geopolitical region and its peoples, and most of a generation of poor americans are flushed down the proverbial shitter under the guise of keeping the dominos upright. No one had ever successfully invaded or occupied Vietnam in its history, they had a literacy rate several points higher than this one, yet we bombed them like nowhere ever before to keep the dominos upright and keep the rubber industry safe. Sound familiar? Sure thing , Lyndon. We/ve heard it all, and I believe none of it. We are supposed to accept the fact that 20 arab men went to flight school together around the country and no one knew about them? We then proceeded to invade two countries that had nothing to do with 9/11 and everything to do with the Seven sisters and the opium fields and oil pipelines. Or how florida was won cleanly in 2000 despite counting stopping thanks to roger stone and his disciples in the brooks brothers riots and the fact that the attorney general of florida may have been the governor of florida’s mistress, and the fact that the governor of florida just so happen to be the winning candidate’s brother. Uranium cakes and electoral votes for all. Go Halliburton, go blackwater. Gotcha. Or how about john hinkley junior being such a taxi driver fan that he brought a .22< ok for mob guys to tap two in the back of a rat’s skull, to take on the president. As I shoot hoops on that sunny day in fullerton, I thought- this is a stunt- hit the president and turn him into a real life gipper, who cares about collateral damage. They will politicize it in some fashion. And who believed that the Iranian regime was so afraid of the Reagan administration that they just so happened to hold on to them until after the election, beholden to the military industrial complex check book- a few special forces and helicopters were simply human currency in the quest for a one term wonder. Every picture tells a story, and the ruling class has been speaking legions to me in imagery for 40 years. Which brings me to wednesday January 6, 2021. 400 of 2200 eligible capitol cops come into work besides well publicized actions being broadcast across every social media platform. No guns or riot gear because the powers that be are worried about ‘optics’. Yet we flash back to hundreds of troops in full tactical gear stood across the steps of the Lincoln memorial in perfect formation. I think about one cop murdered with a fire extinguisher, and I think about Serpico. I think of another cop committing suicide and wonder what did he know and when did he know it. I think of stories of people being told not to come to work, hinky guided tours, and cops with maga hats giving directions, and the zip tie guys, and active military and off duty cops showing badges asking capitol cops to stand with them. I think of 15 guys in full tactical gear snaking their way through selfieville, looking more like academi mercenaries conducting a snatch and grab in a Baghdad street market. Too inconspicuous to be goobers, too well equipped and disciplined to not be pros. I think about Q anon politicians fanning the flames and live tweeting their locations whilst orange Julius and his coterie of cranks and cokeheads watch the events live , unmasked and en masse, and the words riot and protest do not cross my mind. What I see is a coup, and speculation of assistance from republicans in the building, and other government agencies, disabled panic buttons, the current uproar of magnetometers and lack of accountability and just move ons , the obvious blue by day white by nightness of law enforcement, the entitlement of no consequences for actions is sickening. There is only so much stress eating one can do in their pajamas. Who knew what and when and how much were they paid and who pulled the strings. Seems to be that the shit runs deep and both ways, and we will likely never know.

Tuesday, January 12, 2021

bog standard

this is exactly who we are. We are racist and classist. We are elitist and fascist. We are delusional and in the past. We are more than two Americas and there are good bits too. We are drunk , fat , and stiupid. We are educated, toned , and sober. We are 330 million drugged individuals. We are a disgraceful collection of fear and the fear mongers that feed it. We are fucking idiots in fast fashion forced fed fast food in flyoverville. We are coastal and or urban elite bespoke and woke , choking on artisanal this and free range that. There are minimal social safety nets and tattered social fabrics. We bring our hateful parents and spiteful kids to the insurrection. We leave our dying parents and crying kids on a sofa with their screen of choice whilst we live our best lives and tell our worst lies. We blow the hindenburg’s worth of hot air on our scripted unoriginal thought and scribble a finnegans wake worth of shite and slaughtered syntax on the socials on the regular. We are legion and we are dying a slow and violent death, collectively and in public. In that we are America, in everything else , we are broken and lost.

Thursday, January 07, 2021

coup pervs town

Who cares who resigns. They will be replaced by more loyal zealots. That’s the real story to focus on any resignations. And all of them will walk straight into a book deal or paid punditry or a better job. Failing upwards is what privileged white men do best. Just look at baseball managers and football coaches and 90’s a/r guys. Regardless of their last minute principles, all of em will likely fare better than those of us in live events, the arts, the service industry, retail, first responders , health care workers, and package delivery people. We will continue to wear our masks and fight for scraps and eulogize dead friends and family on social media whilst government goobers slide into 6 figures at the latest lobbyist firm. And if anyone thinks that yesterday’s episode political theater 201 was spontaneous or anomalous, even I recognize half the chuckleheads walking out the tradesmans entrance ,unscathed and unmasked, from proud boy play time past.

 “Remember the al.....nah , fuck it . Come on In . The old lady’s office is upstairs to the right. Just show your Groupon at the stairs. Here’s some sweatshirts. See ya in two weeks”

 I’ve put up more fight at last call than the Capitol police did against the coup cucks clan.

 Those capitol cops outside rolled over more obediently than the corgis at the Westminster dog show. My guess is a fair few got their stimulus checks in a timely fashion.


 I remember lighting up a camel at the Vietnam memorial on an 18 degree morning many years ago and the local constabulary were all over me like I was a pregnant woman at a March for free education

Wednesday, January 06, 2021

the wages of syntax

I hate the words fuckery , human, influencer, and shaningans. Or how they are used in modern vernacular. Is there anything worse than some dork in cargo shorts , cheap cologne and beer breath bellowing ‘because I call shenanigans’ at the fact that he lost a game of cornhole. And cornhole? Honestly, when I was young and butchering the english language on the regular, cornhole was what ruined ned beatty’s career, not two pieces of ply wood and some misshapen hacky sacks. The whole 21st century is passing me by. I have never excelled in an office environment whether there was free weed or misbehaving administrative assistance. Who knew that the kombucha kooler conversations of today would be so colorful and pedantic as to describing ‘some libtards got in their clown car to drive to their she shed and man cave complex at that dumpster fire of a shit show. I mean these influencers are two of my favorite humans. Have you seen their insta? I get it straight to my doordash account.’ Christ on a crutch I mean, I am from southern California in the 80’s- a granola munching libtard coastal elite I have certainly contributed to the slaughtering of syntax one slangy utterance at a time. That is our job, right , to keep the language flowing, but you will never see me killing or crushing it , unless it is a rodent or a cockroach or a right wing insurrection. I am constantly told by unsuspecting dating sight victims that they need an urban dictionary to parse through my text messages. What then do I need to navigate the turbid waters of social media and shite movie spun national diarrhea of the mouth? The suburban Pictionary? What the fuck is a clown car anyway? And I can tell ya the last time I was at a shit show of any real significance, gg allin was on stage and it was not pretty. Now, I am aware of the adage that swearing is for the lazy, and I am a stoned sailor in that regard, but c’mon motherfuckers and pull your manicured fingers out of your bleached assholes. Come up with the goods. What kind of world do we live in that 500 year old west Virginian and laker legend gone clipper jerry west, refers to his 50 year place of employment as a shit show? Band together and send the watercooler blockbuster scribed horseshit phraseology with a one way ticket to tuberville. And for fuck’s sake, fellow old farts, don’t coopt the kids lingo. That is fucking cringe in and of itself, and a profoundly weird flex.

Tuesday, January 05, 2021

effluvium

The Georgia run off sounds like the effluvium of some broken backwater septic irregularity, and given that two of the contestants are some of the more vile creatures in American politics , you might not be too far from the truth. My head is reeling from all of the possibilities of today, tomorrow and next week. None of them good, that much is certain. It is remarkable to me how far this country has fallen , and I have spent many years of my adult life living abroad and looking elsewhere for reassurance or affirmation. I sacrificed my 20’s and regularity to avoid the American experience. I married a European to get away, if only for a minute. I have seen all 50 states and marvel at the beauty and ugliness of America and americans. Who are the loudest people at the louvre, the whiniest at the wailing wall, the most ignorant in izmir? Ding ding ding. yet I love American quirks and earnestness, of a certain dying breed, at least. And where else can you feed the alligators, take in a minor league baseball game, suck down dozens of fresh gulf oysters, get a lap dance deluxe, and top it all off with small batch popcorn and a foreign film in the same day for under $100 bucks? America, or florida , at least. We have so much work to do as a society and today. Whats left of my life’s goals involve freedom – of movement, of thought, of speech- and we ain/t going anywhere til the goobers get out of the house(and the senate and the supermarket). So do the right thing Georgia, and kick the goobers out. The inside traitors can go back to the safety of their mcmansions and carpet bag r to their hearts content without blanket approval.

Monday, January 04, 2021

new year same ewe

it/s 2021. Swing an axe and chop down the tree of 2020, because we aint seen nothing yet. Quid pro quo phone calls to swing state officials leaked to the media aint shit compared to what/s in store for the next 17 days. It is almost as is we should’ve refrained from ringing in the new year til January 21. Protests, bribery, street violence, sedition, treason. It’s like champagne for breakfast for the true believers. Wait til later today in Georgia run off chaos, or dc counter demonstrations on wedensday and this weekend. What do the goobers have planned for the inauguration? I watch morons parading through toney neighborhood supermarkets in los angeles followed by teletubbies with cel phones filming their every move and know full well that nothing changes nothing in 17 days. As democrats, we are encouraged to take the high road, but this carry on goes beyond bad faith and finger pointing. This is sedition to say the lest, bad vibes incarnate. This is sub Saharan Africa and 70’s south America. This is the art of the steal, the art of the squeal. This is the chickens come home to roost and the pigs is pigs is pigs. There/s a special place for all these cracker jacks , but we don’t have the stomach, nor do we want to set the precedent, because the other shoe has clearly dropped, because todays traitorous 12 or seditious cent y vingt are tomorrows squad or or Bernie or you. When they go low, we go ‘oh bummer”. When they go postal , we make a meme. When they cheat, we cry. When they lie, we tweet. When they put the hoods on, we draw the blinds. When they shoot to kill, we bring flowers. There is no inherent democracy in the America on a national level. We are a laughing stock. A failed republic. A feudal and futile society with perks. There are no checks and balances beyond blank checks for the few, and the draining of the bank balance of the many. But maybe in 3 weeks we have hope, at least on paper. But there are 100 million kool aid drinking goobers that don’t like you, chew on that while you roku your hulu and dream about cancun.

dreamager

i/ve seen a lot of hoo haw about covid era dream of late, that I feel that I should throw my hat in the ring. I mean, who doesn’t love a good dream? Anxious, sexy, mundane/work related, dreams are free. If I truly regret one thing in life, it is not keeping a dream journal. I can still remember a dream from my early twenties of having sex on the deck of a sampan cruising up the mekong river with an alabaster skinned/Albany bred beauty- the sky was electric and we were high. Listening to first time/long timers on brian Lehrer discussing their pandemic filled and fueled dreams got me to thinking about mine in 2020. Most of my anxiety dreams over the years have been work related. Do I have my passport, did I turn the cooker off, why did we buy those flights? Reality regularly invading the sleep. No wonder I have high blood pressure. But in 2020, there has been no work, per se. I don’t zoom , so there’s no toobin fears, and ddreaming about forgetting the balsamic in the vinaigrette is hardly Xanax inducing or up for Freudian interpretation. Sadly, bourdain is not coming to dinner anytime soon, though one can dream right? There have been work realted dreams, though. Work is live music and live music is sorely missed. My work related dreams have been centered on force feeding audio consoles to precious front of house engineers in various settings around the world. Most of those blow hards can choke down and LS9 with the ease of their requisite 20 IPA’s, but you should seem em try to work their way through an H3000. I know that I have certainly encouraged them to keester the midas if they can find parking next to their swollen heads and their hermetically sealed wallets. But its not all fun and games, I sometimes dream of throwing the utility guy his amp when he is drowning or filling the business manager’s tesla incontinent Pomeranians. It’s not all fun and games, sometimes I dream of eating noodles in Taipei or ripping up a gangster bar in hong kong with lemos, iseler ,and the dirty projectors I/ve also dreamt of peel sessions with primal scream and bailing various other noobs out of jail. The lines are often blurred. The sexy dreams are legion, beacause what are we for 10 months now, but alone. There have been so many nocturnal transgressions of sexy time with formal lovers or part time fling a lings that you cannot wake quickly enough or want to sleep forever. Are these night dreams or day dreams or blackout recollections? Shit, in 2020, dreaming about spooning is tantamount to an unhinged weekend at the hellfire club in days of yore. There is no rhyme or reason. Tonsil hockey in the front seat of the the providence production runner’s rental car at the end of a long day carries as much significance as the full monty with an old friend in an empty Dresden Sofitel. In 2020, beggars can/t be choosers. The channeling of the day to day tedium into the nighttime morass makes for forgettable fantasies. Do we dream of faster wifi, backdated enhanced unemployment benefits, and the most slaptastic lemon curd recipe? I dream of donuts. I dream of brunettes and gingers and dark hair gone grey. I dream of being in the crowd in a too packed club in 1988. I dream of being at the airport with too many bags and too many people. I dream of past transgressions and future forgiveness. Sometimes I dream of the seven deadly sins or the 10 commandments or the 2nd and 25th amendment, or the 3 stooges. I dream of what happens next and what happened along the way and why I can still remember the dream of sampans and a southeast Asian sunsets and alabaster skin and electric blue eyes but I can/t remember what I dreamt of last night.